In Bikes, Objects of Desire, Wannabe CEO on January 2, 2011 at 11:08 am

Relief is on the way for you ladder-climbers out there! Feeling fat, aren’t you, after indulging in your favourite sport of red-wine drinking and blue cheese munching? You’ve accumulated a lot of weight to heave up to that next rung. You’re even a touch paranoid that your competitors may have abstained over Christmas so that they can jump out of the blocks like a scalded hare first day back, leaving you plodding physically and mentally in their wake.

Fear not. You’ve come to the home of the radical solution. Go to your nearest Tommy Hilfiger store and buy a pair of these.

Now most people would slip the trainers on and get on the treadmill. But not you. You know that treadmills are for hamsters and, although they’re cute little fellas, no one wants to be a hamster, do they? No, I’ve picked this trainer for you because it’s got illustrations from the late, great Keith Haring on it. You’ll get much more from the experience by just contemplating this work of art. Spend 30 mins taking your mind on your own properly mental iron-man equivalent. Invent stories (both histories and futures) for each of the illustrations. Who are they and where are they going? Which one is you? And are you prepared to do handstands, jump through hoops, shake things up, put your foot down (they’re all on that trainer) to reach your goal? Feel good as you exercise your most important muscle.

Now move to the next station of your circuit. Buy one of these Ciclotte exercise bikes. Sharp intake of breath. Sheer beauty, sheer expense. Well, don’t come crying to me. You’re either committed or you’re not. You have to invest in Brand Me and that sometimes involves digging deep in every sense.

This object of desire may set you back a cool £6,000 but that’s what good art costs these days. Get it out of its box and lose yourself in its circular form. Admire its stunning proportions. Challenge yourself to be so perfect. This bike knows where it’s going and it gets there effortlessly. Be this bike.


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